Post yer sick jokes

No blonde/nationality type jokes, proper sick ones please.
And keep out if your the type to go "aw poor maddie", "save the kittens", "vegetarians dont fart more" etc etc type.

This is for iron clad stomach types only.

I'm all for sick jokes but ones about Madeline McCann/anything like that is below low. Some issues can never be funny!

Dont you have a peta march to get to?

I wouldnt say it TO maddie or her parents but sick humour is funny, mostly for shock value but still raises a giggle.

You think Kate n Gerry have thought of searching Terminal 5?

Do you like fish sticks?






Your a gay fish.

LOL best ever episode.

What's the different between jade goody and a quadbike?

Quadbike makes it to 40.

Knock Knock

who's there?

Not maddie mcCann

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END   

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?

That's Katie Price.   

Your labour one was absolutly SPOT ON.

Thank this site http://www.sickipedia.org/alljokes/1

I love penguin jokes.

What do penguins eat for dinner?





Ice burgers.

Tommy k wrote:Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?

That's Katie Price.   

LOL

Tommy k wrote:Thank this site http://www.sickipedia.org/alljokes/1

I spent so long on that site after you posted that.

on the suitcase i took to leeds fest, i wrote on the side in big letter "Madeline McCann is in here"

Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.

I was having a pretty big shit last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my mother accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?

With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".   


Brilliant.

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think,
'I'll fucking have that!'

macca wrote:I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think,
'I'll fucking have that!'

That's still the case if you're Scottish

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.   

macca wrote:Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.

I don't get it

2(✈) + 2( ▌) = -3017

To be honest, I never even liked the two towers. I much preferred The Fellowship of the Ring.

lTwisted wrote:To be honest, I never even liked the two towers. I much preferred The Fellowship of the Ring.

omg ahaha!

shancmf wrote:

lTwisted wrote:To be honest, I never even liked the two towers. I much preferred The Fellowship of the Ring.

omg ahaha!

hahaaa!
Oh mann.

Via Sean